Postpartum

Let's jump back 8 years to the birth of my first child. Labor and delivery was what you would expect on your first child. The first one paves the way right! I had read every book they had about being pregnant and the first year after baby. I took birthing classes and did everything one is suppose to do when getting ready for their baby. I was nervous but kept telling myself women have been doing this for years, it can't be that hard. I was wrong! I had no idea what I was doing, I got the epidural after a few hours of laboring at which point I had no idea how to push. After hours of "pushing" our beautiful son was born. A fourth degree tear for me, a collapsed lung for my son, and a very shaken up husband, but we did it! I thought the labor would be the hardest part, boy was I sorely mistaken. I spent night after night not sleeping, our son had colic and screamed constantly. My husband and I literally took turns wearing ear plugs because his cry was so piercing. I was beyond exhausted a mombie is the best word for it. The two cases of mastitis and three ear infections in a row for my little man didn't help with the sleep deprivation either.

With ever hurdle came a millions justifications of why I wasn't feeling normal. I told myself it was just lack of sleep, my emotions running high from not feeling well. Maybe it was my frazzled nerves from hours of listening to a screaming baby in pain and not knowing how to help him that was making me feel this way. By "this way" what I mean is snappy, irritated, sad, mad a cocktail of horrible feeling all mixed together. Feelings that at times were so intense I struggled to be a reasonable human being. I would have anxiety attacks over things that seem small now but felt like huge problems then. I would convince myself that the whole world was against me, including my husband. I cant even imagine what he was going through. I am sure there were times he was afraid to come home, not sure what version of myself I would be that day. I couldn't see what was reality and what I had made up in my head. Sadly after a year I still wasn't doing great emotionally or mentally. I felt so alone. I went from having a job where I was appreciated to a job with no vacations or breaks, I was on call 24/7. A job that no matter how hard I tried I felt I was failing. When I finally realized how I was feeling wasn't "normal" I employed the help of my sister. She helped me get my life and health on the right track, she was my light in all the darkness. After a mixture of eating better, exercising, foot zoning, and overall just taking better care of myself I pulled through.

I do feel like a huge factor in my struggling with postpartum depression was not admitting/trying to hide it. I never wanted to admit that I wasn't killing it at life. I felt so embarrassed that this mothering thing didn't come natural to me. It came so naturally to everyone else, but I felt like I was drowning...

I have loved ones that have suffered with depression, I have seen first hand how hard it is for all parties involved. For any of you struggling with this yourself know your not alone. Ask a friend or family member to watch the baby while you nap/shower/cry. There is no shame in asking for help. Hugs go out to all you amazing mothers out there, you are more valued, beautiful and bad ass then you will ever know💕